Because LJ won't let kaitie get away from me...
i'm making a new account. i'll add you people. mk? k.

i feel right about it, i hope it helps speed the process of stupidly still loving kaitie.. but i just burnt all of the letters, pictures, movie stubs.. everything.
today is a dramatic day, i just want it to be over and everything to be okay.

plan b pills are down the throat, in the tummy.
hopefuly doing their job in my uterus.

fuck my stupid drunken decisions.
:(


kaitie is gone.
thank god.













just. blah.

RAIN
I LOVE YOU
BUT SERIOUSLY, I WANT MY SUN BACK
since when does it rain every day for a week straight in COLORADO.
that is just SO not normal.
at least there is craaaaazy thunder today :D

i am going CRAZY in my head. thinking about freak things. wanting freak things.

grandparents aren't home right now... playing a card game at their friend mary's house. i didnt like mary at first, but i like her now. she's really funny!
i don't feel so great. cars is on disney. it's the only decent thing on.
and i don't even like this movie.
whatev.

rain rain go away.
please.
:( i jus want to read my book at the park..

i found out today that STUPID job is only giveing me 8 hours next week, how's a girl supposed to live off of that?
i have a huge pile of laundry to fold, i am scared for my driving test, i want to go in the hot tub and smoke, i am cold cold cold annnnd i wanna talk to someone.
but meh

:(

grandma isn't doing so great, she keeps saying she wants to get drunk and something about walking on a wall?
i'm not sure, but now they found that she has cancer in both breasts. so. that sucks. :(
i hope that she's fine after they take it out. i hope she doens't need kemo :(

alright, so.
i have lost ten pounds in a week and a half? that's not cool.
not what i want.
and just. just not cool!!!

i am being put on a strict diet, and if i want to excape the "fat camp" of my grandma's house, it involves hiking to and from town literally up a mountain to get back home. which yeah, exercise is nice! yeah! but i don't know.
i really do feel like i am at fat camp.
:( maybe this will be good for me?? i hope?
i'll just keep thinking that.


ugh, i need money for cigarettes. :(

absolutely not.
16 year olds aren't even old enough to legally do what they want with their bodies, but somehow, someone thought it'd be a great idea to give them car keys? it just isn't smart. hense why i have waited until i was 18 to get my license.
i didn't even trust myself as a 16 and 17 year old on the road.

nobody likes me, everybody hates me, i'll just go eat some worms.

Tomorrow I am going to do the day in my life thing, I have the camera by my bed ready to go so I don't forget. I DO work tomorrow, so that should be interesting. I may have to sneak the camera down there.
I figure I will take pictures as I am walking up, some on my breaks, and some before leaving. It will take up a majority of my day, though so hopefully I will find something to do in the morning.

I have to detail the car, Pop said it's payback for using it and it's gas. I am going to see what I can do about borrowing it when Kaitie comes... it'd be a lot better than the Jeep, a lot easier to drive, and I'll be used to it. Grandma might need it though, especially if she needs to get her radiation. But they do have another car, so I might be able to borrow the Rav for a while..

I want to leave the house right now and go smoke a cigarette. I will once I figure out a way to get out of the house. Alone. I suppose I will take the dogs for a walk and smoke then. At the park or in town or maybe even on a hike. I am too lazy to go downtown though, so I guess I'll just go on a hike because the park is boring. Hopefully I won't get attacked by any animals. Mountain Lions, Bears.. OH MY!

I need to wake Kaitie up at 7 I think.. I can't remember if she said 6 (her time, which is 7 for me) or if she said 7 her time and 8 for me. But I want her NOW so I am going to call her at 7, my time, and 6 for her.

LJ is the only website that I am on that my mom isn't on and I won't have to feel guilty about not adding her. It's like my little escape. I have nothing to hide here. It's fantastic.

Last night, I was in the hot tub, smoking and looking up at the stars while Kaitie sat on the other end of the phone with me. All I could think was how happy I am that she's going to be in my arms in a month. I miss her so much and I know it was stupid, crazy, impulsive and heart shattering when I left, I hope that everything ends well like I was intending when I made that choice.

Right now I am watching Ellen. She looks like such a happy, confident person and I could only dream of being like her. Why wouldn't she be happy, though? She's rich and famous, gay and married and funny. If only life was as simple for everyone. If only everyone was truly equal and were given the same chances.

Grandma keeps talking about her cancer. It's really sad, but I am glad that she can laugh about it. She's decided that she won't want breast re-construction after her surgery. I couldn't agree more. At her age, who is she trying to impress. That is so much more pain to deal with just to have a nice boob.. It'd be worth it if she was in her 20s but she's not. I'm glad that she's going to get over everything. She told me that 98% of people have a certain type of breast cancer, and then there's 2% of have another kind. She is in the 2%. It could be through her entire body for all we know. She finds out on Monday after her MRI on Friday.

I work on Friday and I'm nervous. It's going to be busy and there will be people there who know what they're doing and I'll just be in the way and annoying, I'm sure. I'm nervous!

This morning I woke up with killer cramps. I could feel the Ibuprofen working after time because the terrible pain was finally subsiding. I get really sad every time I have my period because it's like. There goes another one of my babies. Down the drain... literally. I can't wait until I am stable enough to have a child. I love my babies already. With all of my heart. My Noah and my Lily.

unsentletters for sure

leisha. hailey. <3

dear kaitie,
after these last two days of my constant realizations, i am able to say that i am ready for us to be over permanently. i do love you, very much, but this relationship is, and has been, very unhealthy for both of us. since i left a month ago, i have gained a lot of self respect and i am not going to allow myself to be constantly hurt because of you anymore. it has been going on far too long and i am broken down so far that i can't even sleep anymore.
the symbolism of your new tattoo is very beautiful, because we do have a love that will never fly away, that will always be there, that will always come back. but i will not come back anymore. we can work as friends, with a great deal of work, but i don't believe that we can work as a couple anymore.
if you still decide to move here, that would be great. i would help you in any way that i could and i would love spending time with you.. as a friend. we both deserve much better than the other. i know that i am a good person, but i cannot handle anything anymore right now. i am going through such a war in my head about you and it's time that ends.
i love you, and i always will. but our relationship is over now. and for good. i am going to work to get over you and find someone new, and i suggest you do the same. i hope everything turns out alright. it's too bad that you're not able to talk about this right now and that i have to write it to you through livejournal, but i need to get it out now. and so this is the way that it is getting out.
thank you for teaching me as much as you did. thank you for teaching me to have self respect, to love, to be loved. i've already said it, but i WILL love you forever.
i'm sorry it had to come to this, i'm sorry that we couldn't work. i'm sorry for all the shit that i have put you through and done to you.

i hate you so much. you used me and my love and i will never forgive you.
i will suffer forever because of what you've done to me. you're such a fuck.

FUCK YOU

you ruined me. and you don't give a shit.

i've decided to leave you.
i love you with all my heart but this is not fair to either one of us. neither is being together.
so when you're at jury duty i'm going to pack my things and i'm going to leave.
you don't want to see my walk away so i'm going to write you a letter.
before you leave for jury duty i'm going to give you a hug and tell you that i love you.
i'm booking my flight for the 17th. yes, your mom's birthday.
i appreciate everything that you and your family has done for me, i'll never forget the lantzs.

damn.
as i'm writing this.
you just came in here and asked for a hug.

that's the shit that makes it harder to leave.
as if it wasn't hard enough already.

i love you forever.

today:
- worked and kisses every single person's ass that came across me.
- ate too much ice cream
- watched fun with dick and jane
- shot spitballs at the ceiling with kaitie.

i am:
- tired.
- in love.
- homesick.
- hungry.

a big fatty F. for fail.
as in.
A&W.

damn me.